This day, i tried to take a test for E.Q. (Emotional Quotient)
And i felt bad because I have a low E.Q. meaning I can't handle well my feelings, emotions, and etc...
I have to grow to be a mature person...

I usually see him (my prince charming) after work... (that is 6pm)... and it is every other day! we eat dinner in a bar-b-q, or resto...

...but today! it's different... we'll meeting for a lunch, supposedly, but I have eaten already... (i'm full) and also i should consider my diet... i gain more than 8 pounds... (huhuhu!) waht he did was he bought an ice cream for me... Oh I LOVE ICE CREAM!!!...

Thank you LANGGA for the treat... (Oh! i have to text him for a thank you...)

What makes our life?

Life is...???!
... like Love i cannot give the exact definition of it...
Life has to be experienced, felt and lived.
With God's grace, if I'm given 60 years to live... i'm almost half of it... and never proved anything...
What is my accomplishment? They say, I've done good... but I want to do better... They say, I'm good... but I want to be better...
and perhaps I should be in my best.
I should live life to the fullest, under God's will...  I should live it... enjoy it, without fear and yield to God's counsel.

What makes our life??? King Solomon, the wisest man lived on earth, described life as... 
¹ To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: ² A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; ³ A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; ⁴ A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; ⁵ A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; ⁶ A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; ⁷ A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; ⁸ A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. ⁹ What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth? ¹⁰ I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it. ¹¹ He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

and with it... my knowledge about life increases...

I learned a lot in our meeting with our COO, Madam Belle... She said, today, we are doing this because we want to be like that in the future... but she added, how about? ... thinking of your in self that now you are in your 60's... what kind of life you want to enjoy?... and then go back... do this... because this is what you want!

Without fear... with God's grace... I will enjoy life...

 

I am happy!!! Though I am bothered with some things...Generally, I am happy!

Yes!!! I would like to thank God for the good things HE has done for me...
1. He gave me another inspiration... a new inspiration.. that makes me go on.. to live a a beautiful life...
2. He's giving opportunities to share to others how wonderful life is!!!
3. He gave me someone who reminds me how beautiful life is and how to be in love again! and this someone is willing to take me as his wife... (uh!!! grabe taas kau akong hair...)
4. He let me forget the bitterness I have been keeping in my heart for so long; and
5. God healed my broken heart...

I  know the things I felt now are just temporary things and I know sooner I will shed the tears again... because I know that a problem exists... I do hope that when that day comes I will be the one to cry for him... I don't want him to be hurt...  I would take the pain for him...  I would be the one to take the blame for him...

I don't want any person involved will be hurt... I would rather die if they're hurting.

I can see in his eyes the real love that i've looking for... I know how he meant every word he says.  I love the way he cares for me...I believe him, trust him and love him.

May the Lord bless him... and take good care of him... for the Lord knows how I love him...

I'm in love!!!

yes.. i'm in love with Martin...

I  really suffered for the days that we don't see, talk and text...

i really do missed him badly... and I can't endure the pain I'm keeping inside... I can't afford to lose my LANGGA...

...and this feeling i felt is same with Martin... he's also suffering the pain of not having me... he missed me badly and it's obvious... the first time I saw him after "the meeting"... He's really different, the joy that he has before, the smile in his lips... were gone... his eyes showed the pain he bore inside his heart.

I'm sorry Martin... I didn't mean to hurt you.

Yesterday, I spent time with Martin… I reflected for it for several times… and prayed to God for it… I planned it carefully…  and thanks to my friends who were supportive and especially to my cousin, who is nice and clever (she’s my best friend!)

 

Actually, yesterday’s date was the last time to be with him… (as his close friend) maybe as her M.U…   perhaps?!!! In our upcoming meetings, things will be different… for us.

 

Yesterday I’ve said to myself… I’m going to make this day beautiful for us, as if this is the last day I and him have on earth… I’m going to make sure that we have the joys to equate to whatever pains we have to take … after this meeting… we have the happy memories to be cherished.

 

I texted him, “I’m going to davao”, he said, “Ha! Kadali lng para makaandam ko.”  That means he’s willing to go with me… wherever… before I left my cousin reminded me not to do a thing which is not the right thing to be done… and I promised… and I should keep my promise.

 

I can’t think of a better place to go… I let him choose… and he decided to go in a cinema.   We first watched…  silence… I broke the silence by asking… what makes you GGI (it’s his words which means GULO-GULO-ISIP) he just smiled… he asked “ngano nag-absent man ka?”  I said, “I wanna spend this day with you.”  He held my hands which I did not refuse, since for me, anyway, this is our last… he told me, “your words made my heartbeat goes fast.  I perceive it’s a bad news.”   I just smiled.  I said to him we’re “ON” right now… since this is our last day.  (I saw his face which showed confusion to what I’ve said )

 

I thought of the best words to make him understand… I related to him the reasons why can’t we be… I said starting tomorrow, we will stop seeing each other and we’ll…stop texting.  I saw the tears falling on his cheek (I thought boys don’t cry…), my tears were also falling and he gave me a hug.  (I ignored the people around us anyway, they don’t know us and they have their own businesses to mind too…)

 

He said to me, “Your parents are lucky to have a daughter like you, you’re so obedient.  If it will happen to me, I will fight for my love…  you are grown up now… you have your own decision… I know you’re intelligent. Please decide for yourself.  I am willing to wait for you. How many years? 2 years? 3 years? 4? 5? Tell me!  Please allow me to see you… I want to see you… kahit once a week… pwede?… wag mo namang alisin sa akin na alagaan  ka… I can’t sleep this night, maybe I’ll need a beer. (with a bitter smile) karon lang ko naninuod og ingon ani.. ikaw lang ang babae nag akong gimahal og ingon ani.” I pitied on him more.

 

I said to him, “Our situation is different… for me, it is like a matter of life and death… please understand… I can’t say that I’ll be there so please don’t wait for me… I’m not sure… find a girl who will make you happy… do you want me to help?”  He smiled again bitterly.

 

If I will let those things to happen to us… (not to text and meet)he told me it would be better for him to be transferred to another place… he’ll be leaving our place… it would be difficult for him to see me everyday in our house (kasi po malapit lang  ang station niya sa bahay naming)… things would be hard for him to accept and go on his life without me. 

 

He suggested a solution to me… he wanted to see my parents and ask their blessings for us to get married.  He asked to extend our time… but I refused… maybe if I’ll say yes… I can’t keep the promise I gave to my cousin.

 

I saw how I hurt him badly… I asked sorry for I can’t spare him for the aches he has now… I can’t defend him… and it really hurt me too.  I made things more complicated.   Did I do the right thing?

 

What makes me bother now…  he never get off from the bus when we parted (akala ko susunod siya sa akin pagbaba ba’t hindi)… I don’t know where is he going… and he never texted back on me until now... it’s my fault because I’ve said we will stop texting but I’m missing it… I want to know how is he right now?  Is he fine?… I know he’s not okay.

 

I miss him so badly… but I have decided to choose my parents… it’s gonna be goodbye… only the Lord knows what will be OUR  FUTURE… I pray that God will lessen and ease the burden that he has now in his hearts…  as well as mine…

 

Take care MARTIN… he said if I'm alone I'll just rember his song for me, "Waiting for your Love" it’s hard to lose someone like you whom I’m learning to love, who is sincere, but it’s harder to lose my mom and dad.  I’m falling in love with you but farewell MARTIN…

 

God bless you.

 

 

Life is what you make…

Yesterday… I said, let time passes its way and wait what will it brings to me… but  I don’t expect that I would change my mind.

 

Last night I can’t sleep… for my stomach is murmuring. (may dyspepsia yata ako!) and that is not the main reason for not having a goodnight sleep… it’s because of the talk that I and my mother had.  Actually, that was not a talk because I only listened…nodded my head and shook my head and I cried in hush for the whole night.  (buti na lang may dark shades ako…)

 

My mom called me, for a talk when I was about to sleep… “Ali mag-storya ta… kamo na ba jud ni Martin,” My only response is “Umiling ako” (that would mean we’re not yet on maybe soon kasi we are not on the state of M.U.)… she related to me the discussion that she had with my dad when I was away from home… “Managsa ra ang imong daddy, moestorya, karon pa lang siya naghatag og comment sukadsukad, katong kamo pa ni MR. EX ala jud koy nadungog gikan sa iya but karon… WALA MAKAUYON imong daddy ka Martin, because…bla-bla-bla-bla” for me, it was like a clanging cymbals that was not good for my ears to hear.  “AYAW na entertaina si Martin…”  the most horrible words that I’ve heard was “Molayas imong daddy diri sa balay kung imo pang pabalikon nang tawhana diri”… I can’t speak… what was on my mind at that moment, no words are enough… no explanations will be heard and nothing can make it change… THE VERDICT has been emancipated… no one can alter it.  Without a word, I got back on my bed.

 

It’s difficult for me to clash the idea because it’s my dad… my mom is strict but I can resist her rules… before I had fought for my love… because it was only my mom who was against it.  At this time, I have no choice… the decision has been made, I have to accept it. (take it or leave it! Parang…it’s between life and death)  I don’t want to lose my dad…he’s the only father I have here on earth… Martin??? I can find another Martin! A better Martin.. . and if that MAN will not come to my life, who cares? At least I will have no regrets… I will not blame myself. I hope… that it would be that easy for me to do it… (Sana… ) but it’s not! I’m really hurting, I’m struggling, because I am starting to like Martin maybe I falling in love with him right now…

 

But, My love for my father is greater than the love I felt for Martin… so I have to say GOODBYE to you my Martin… I will forever blame myself if something will happen to my dad… (simbako lang!) I love my dad more than anyone in this world. (…second to God).

 

I’m sorry Martin, maybe it will be hard for you to accept my decision… maybe I’ll hurt you the way you never thought I could do… and it’s not my fault if you have fallen in love with me… I don’t know how would you accept this… but how will you handle the situation that we do have right now, will show how much you love, care and respect me.  I hope you will be a GENTLEMAN… my PRINCE CHARMING!

 

GOODBYE!!! And I love you MARTIN.

 

My life is really revolving…

I don’t understand what this I’m feeling right now, I’m like a thirteen-ear-old girl experiencing its first love… (Uh..ow!... c’mon) and I’m confused between two men… (grabe no? long hair na pud ako feeling)

 

Last Saturday night, I’ve said to myself if Carlo will not text me, call me or send an e-mail for me, my fantasies with Carlo will end… Good bye Carlo!!! But… last night when I was texting with Martin (remember???! MR. Persistent) My phone beeped for another message and it was Carlo! He thanked me for the VCD that was sent for him as a Christmas present… and minutes after texting back for the “HELLO” for him.  My phone rang, it was a call!  I didn’t pick the phone right away, so that he has the time to hear my ringing back tune, which is Regine’s version of “…Will you say that you love me… and show me that you care, say when I need you and you will always be there…”

 

We talk about his plan of coming to the Philippines, I was a little bit upset because he changed his mind with his plan of going Boracay…anyway, it is not my business… and it makes me feel that (“Hello!!! Wake up!”) he’s not looking forward to see me…

 

However, maybe, you’ll ask me, what happened last night with my Martin… It’s 7:20 in the evening… lights off, doors were closed… my phone beeped and showed the message “2log ka na dear?Anha ko.” Another beeped, “Naa n k gate” (grabe no?).  I and my dad were watching the tv… I opened the door, my dad just stared at me… it seems tat it has a meaning… I ignored and opened the door… turned the lights on and opened the gate.

Maybe I liked him that much that even my parents don’t like him… still keep on in considering him.   Our talks lasted only for a few minutes…

 

I was in the bed, when I was about to sleep, he texted me that he’s colleagues very supportive to him, I replied, “NA! daghan na mo mapalaw, and ulaw kau no? kay kuyaw imo mga backer…” with those words I don’t mean to hurt him… but I did, he replied, “Wala jud pag-asa? Cge gudnyt na… basi nakdistorbo ko sa imo.”  I can’t believed that, with those words I’m bothered, I replied, “Nagdarama na pud si manong.. Mas mau cguro samtang ala pa kau deep ang mga feelings nga gibati nimo, while, ala pa kau ka nasaktan naku og ako pud… I’m afraid madevelop sa imo…lisod kung daku na and emotional investment.s..CGE! Gudnyt… Godbless… GOODBYE and maybe I’l miss you”. 

 

I can’t sleep well… and around 11pm, my phone beeped “Di ko ka2log sa imha reply”.  I felt guilty and I asked sorry… (I think there is something in us now…) he replied, “Sory ha?di ko akalain mgkanun un.. sory na.. peace…” I replied, “slip tyt.” … He replied,“Gudnyt din 43 -> 155...”(oh no!!! He said the magic word that I’ve  waited from him!)

 

This lunch time I overheard my mom and dad discussing about Martin, they don’t prefer to choose Martin, for them He’s disturbing, and mom said, “ang imo man pud anak…cge entertain… di patoo kapila na giwarningan, mahadlok mahutdan…” Those words really hurt me… my tears are falling on my cheek right now while writing this…they don’t understand how I feel now…remember I am now 25!, they don’t think, that I am happy because he is the only man that shows the attention, concern and love... that I never felt before… (Siya lang ang naninuod sa ako despite sa akong mga pangbasted sa iya...others didn’t endured it.)

 

Now, I’m very…very confused between my Carlo (???) and my Martin… Maybe, it would be better not to decide now… I’ll take time to think... which makes me more confused… let things happen… which makes me crazy… and

All I can say is, “Lord, help me pick the right man... give me wisdom and the strength that I need for me to cope up this challenge… you know how impulsive I am… and please don’t allow me to make decisions and do things that I’ll regret in the end.”

 

Sabi nila kung mayroong babae na pikamahaba ang buhok ngayon, ako daw ‘yon… Bakit kamo? Simple lang po, kasi po… ako daw si Vivian, may Carlo na…may Martin pa. (Ngek!!!)

 

My Carlo is from Australia… He lives in Brisbane and works as the financial analyst of a cable/telephone company.  We constantly send text messages, e-mail and sometimes… talk over the phone.  He is the son of my friend’s best friend in Australia.  In addition, the mother likes me so much…(I’m flattered!)

There’s something in me… a feeling of jerk… and my heart jumps for joy when I think of him… (maybe.. I am starting to like him. Hmmm.)

And if you’ll ask me, about his rating?  7 out 10…  however, the problem is I don’t know if he likes me, too. (Harhahar)

 

And this Martin… honestly, at first I don’t like him… and I said once, when this man will try to court me, certainly he will not get the first base. 

My lines are:

Ngee…

ayoko sa kanya…

di ko siya type… yaks…

di ko mapasulod sa iyang bulsa!

But… I never think how serious is he… He is very persistent… consistent… and compassionate. And very willing… and he’s ready to marry me… char lang!

 

I never thought I would experience this… and I really felt I have a silky, black, long… HAIR.

Tomorrow, I’ll celebrate my jubilee! I’m turning 25 years…

 

What is in being 25 years old?

 

One of the many opportunities of being 25, is you can marry anytime, why? Because the LCR (Local Civil Registrar) will not be requiring you anymore the “Parent Consent to Marry”. Harharharrrr.   They say, you are mature now, (in anatomy) being 25 your bones and muscles are now in its mature state, where for women also, this signifies that you are now in the right age to bear a child in your womb.  Harharhar again!

 

Some people say, at this moment in life, you must have a stable job, own a house and lot, own a car and a secured relationship towards marrying, or a family of your own. These were the standards of living that the world has set for us. But what if I don’t have either one of these things?  So… I have to cancel my birthday tomorrow!

 

Yeah, I can cancel the party and refuse the celebration, but I’m just fooling myself believing that I’m still 24!  I can’t stop the earth to rotate on its axis to stop the time, I can’t stop my birthday.  I am now 24 and 364 days old, certainly tomorrow I’ll be 25! That’s the fact that I must admit.

 

Ask me if I do have a stable job? No! I don’t have!  Ask me if I do have a boyfriend? No! I don’t have! Ask me if I owned a car? No, I don’t have! Ask me if I do have a house and lot? Maybe I do have, but it still belongs to my parents… It’s not mine.  I felt frustrated and upset with my status after assessing my life’s attainment.

 

I have set a goal in my life when I was a 8, I said to myself I should own a house and lot, have a career, possess a car, have my family of my own when I reach 25, however, I think God has His own plan for me.  I should remember that His ways are not my ways… He is the Architect of my life.  I am His design.

 

Tomorrow, I should be thankful for the things that He hath done in my life for 25 years of protecting, healing, giving, blessing, forgiving, caring, and loving.  I will cherish everything in my life.

 

I deemed that life’s contentment isn’t possessing material things that I longed for.  Life’s success is not measured on the things that you keep at this moment in your hands.  Also, I should remember, I asked the Lord, to give me a simple life.  What is important is faith that keeps me waiting for the surprises that God has prepared for me.  Maybe God doesn’t want me to be bored, what is the essence of my life? if those things that I longed for are just laid up for me. (WALANG CHALLENGE!)   

 

I believe tomorrow and after, He has surprises for me.   Surprises that would make me grateful unto Him until the end of my life.